pew pew.

This seems like a seasonal thing for me…

I don’t mean to sound down in the dumps or anything, but damn, I’ve been so sad lately LOL.

It’s really quite bothersome. I think contributing factors include the fact that I don’t have a job, I’m not taking summer classes (my dad told me not to and to take the summer off), most of my friends are still in school, and lastly, my boyfriend just moved to Seattle. I mean, we were a 5-hour drive apart, now we’re a 17-18 hour drive apart. On the bright side…at least we live in the same country? .__.

BLAH BLAH BLAH.

With all that, I’ve had some friends who have taken the time to really talk to me and to listen to me rant. They don’t know it, but I feel like they’re saving me from doing something I would regret. They go out of their way to take me out, let me vent when I need to, and they also try to get my mind off over-thinking things and doubting myself by making me play video games with them haha.

I need to get a dog. I would love one like this. So cute. Haha.

HAHA.

Why is it that stuff like this always happens to me?

LOL. Oh goodness, it’s the times like these where I start to feel inadequate and unwanted. Feels absolutely AMAZINGGGGGGGGG…>_> I’m totally kidding about it feeling amazing, in case you weren’t aware of my sarcasm. I actually feel quite…empty, I suppose. I feel like something was taken away from me and I’m left with…an empty space. Lame right? Hahahahaha.

On top of that, the sum of the units of the 2 courses I’m currently taking almost give me full-time student status. HOW JOYOUS! Again…take note of the sarcasm.

A nice release would be beneficial at the moment. Too bad I don’t have a car to use right now so that I could go out and wander around downtown haha. I should just go out and punch something lolz.

Ranting.

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I feel like:

I want something more. Something seems…absent from me. I can’t quite put my finger on it, but something is telling me to go out there. Live life and go out and explore while I am healthy enough to be able to do so.

Questions. So many questions. Without a clear answer, I choose to forget what I’ve been taught and I take all things into consideration. From there, is where I’ll go off.

Life is puzzling, complex, frustrating. There’s so much, so much out there that my eyes have yet to see. I want to be able to fly. Bothersome, it’s once again, very well past my bedtime. I lie in wake, my mind wandering off into some imaginary world. A world where I seek out my own adventures. Nothing to stop me, no one to tell me that I’m being silly and maybe just a little insane.

It’s strange, at times, I feel like another person has taken over me. As if I’m slowly changing into someone else…this always happens when I just lie in the dark, unaffected by stressors such as school and family.

It’s such a shame I’m not as outgoing as I am with my closest friends. I don’t know why I’m so afraid to really act how I want. Well, maybe it’s the idea of being ostracized that keeps me from really saying things I want to say.

More late night rambling…blah blah blah.

Anyway, I think that’s enough for tonight. Time to try to get some sleep. I’m so close to being done, so close I can touch it (or so the saying generally goes).

I think I’m on the edge. Slowly being eaten away.

Better off:

A good friend of mine is talking to me about his problems, and how his girlfriend of almost one year breaks up with him. He’s talking to me on the phone, and I hear the sadness in his voice, the anger, the frustration, and the heartbreak. I hear his voice cracking and I can hear him crying. It really breaks my heart.

He’s such a good kid, and I just feel like crap because I can’t do anything but listen to him. Distance can fucking kiss my ass. If I had the means to, I’d drive down 3.5 hours just to have him vent to me in person as opposed to on the phone. He has so much going on right now and trust me, I know how an overload of problems can have a negative effect on a person.

I really despise those who treat my friends like dirt. I just want to go up to the girl and be like, “Ahem, excuse me, can I pleaseeee just kick you in the face right now?” Haha, jk…kinda.

He’s better off without her, but it just sucks because I know his feelings are really conflicted. He’s tired of how she treats him, but at the same time, he doesn’t want to let go of her. His whole life revolved around her and now he doesn’t know what he’s going to do.

Ugh I hate this when I can’t do anything else but listen. I really wish I could do something.

omgah:

I don’t feel like doing any work. -_________-;;

Bleh. Blah blah blah.

Anywho, that bastard bookstore better have lab manuals in, fucking biyatches forreallll. Last Friday they told me they’d get them in on Monday, it’s now Wednesday and none yet. ;~; LOL it hasn’t even been 2 weeks yet and I feel like I’m hella behind (maybe it’s because we have no money to buy my textbooks LOL). Bleh, that’s lifeeeee.

Anywho, it took me like 20 minutes to find parking today.t(-____-t)

Gah, busy day today, lots of work to do. Bleh.

I wish you’d give me more attention:

Just a tad ticked off:

Okay so basically, I put a lot of effort into one class and I understand the types of techniques and how to execute them. But I’ve been getting okay grades on everything. I should be happy right? But no, I’m a little pissed because someone is basically doing no work. With no understanding about the way how to do things, always asking questions that the person should know the answer to, what grade did the professor give this student on a recent assignment check? This student got an ‘A’

Well, I’m glad this person got an ‘A’ and all, but I put so much more effort into my work and I know FOR A FACT that this person did not take the time or make an effort for the assignments. 

I know I sound really jealous right now, and yes, I am, but really I feel sad. After this student saw what grade I got, they asked me, “Guess what I got.” And then he told me he got an ‘A’ and I was honestly shocked. That person even laughed when they saw my reaction.

Laugh at that? You’re gonna laugh at the effort I put into things? I look after your things while you’re in class because you apparently cannot carry your own things to your class. Okay, yeah, I should’ve just left your ass behind after class. 

Like okay, I know I’m complaining a lot right now, but really it does bother me. Like, why should I even try and put effort into something when someone can just bullshit it all (not to mention be favored by the professor) and do better?

This is going to sound really mean, but when all this person does is talk about smoking all the time, and complains that they don’t have the time to put effort in, I just want to like, tell them, ‘Dude, shut the fuck up. Just do your work.’

Kay, end of my ridiculous ranting of how I think I deserved a better grade. 

LOL why am I even talking about this? Oh yeah, because it’s put me in a bad mood lol. 

Horrible:

Why is it that in your eyes, I always end up doing something wrong. Why can’t you just leave me alone. If you didn’t talk to me, you wouldn’t yell at me. So stop talking to me, and you will have no problem with me anymore.

It’s seriously just the same shit over and over again. If you’re so sick of me, then just stop talking to me. Everytime you see my face, you yell at me for nothing. I’m just minding my own business, and then BOOM, d:LDKFJ:SDLKFJS:Dd:adk;sdlkjfa;woeirpwocjxcmnvz.,mxcnvswwwwLSDKJF:SLDKJF I get verbally attacked.

How you would you feel if I called you, ‘nothing’? Telling me, “You think you’re so smart, but you’re just an idiot.” or, “You’re so fat.”  Do you think that feels good to hear? What kind of mother says that to her child. What the fuck is that? Do you not think I take that stuff personally? 

My kuya asked me if I was okay, and so I told him about a lot of stuff that I’m going through and it was just nice of him to listen. I’d talk to Kristine about it, but I don’t wanna disturb her since she’s hanging out with friends lolololol. Both Kristine and my kuya Pat always have something to say to me that would cheer me up. And seriously, I wouldn’t want to talk to anyone else about this stuff except like my dearest dearest friends, so I genuinely appreciate when they take the time to ask me why I’m feeling how I feel.

You know, I wish someone came and brought me food because I am starving, and I do not want to go upstairs to the kitchen and get food while my mom is up there. Haha.

How nice:

Well this entry is just going to talk about how I appreciate when people take time to help others.

Anyway, so let me talk about this one example of when someone asked me for help last year. I was sitting at the bus stop just listening to music, and this student comes up to me to ask me questions. He asked me if I knew of any place downtown to buy shoes from. From how he spoke with me, I was curious if he was an international student, so I asked him if he was. He responded that he was, and that he was from China. How cooooool. Anyway, back to the conversation. He said he wasn’t familiar with the town too much and so since I was going downtown anyway, I told him I’d ride the bus with him and show him where to go. Haha, it was funny because while waiting for the bus, he talked about how it’s so slow here compared to in China haha. And I, being the typical person I am, talked about music hahaha. We talked about Hangeng hahahahaha. Anyway, when we arrived downtown, I showed him where to go and then we parted ways. After he thanked me, I felt so happy having helped someone haha.

Okay, so fast-forward to now. So basically, since I go to a different college than last year, I had no idea where anything was. Usually, I just go to class, and then just leave. So anyway, after class Thursday, I asked someone if they knew where the library and health center were. And they were a little surprised to know I didn’t know hahaha. Anyway, instead of telling me where to go, they walked me to the library and then tried to find the health center (since he didn’t know where it was either hahaha). 

I forgot to tell him thank you HHAHAHAHA. >_>

But anyway, back to the point of my rant ahhaa, I really appreciate when someone takes more time to help others.

Okay mini-ramble:

So I finally got my 2 rolls of film from our 2nd year banquet developed (I’m about a month late on that LOL). Anyway, I love bounce flash. LOL. I experimented a little with it because I just wanted to see how the photos would come out. I love the look of the photos, some of them have this type of look, like they were taken from a magazine or something. I love it. LOL. But, because I was uncertain of if I’d like the rolls or not, I decided to not get them put on a CD, now I wish I did get them put on a CD. But oh well. 

Pointers/random things to myself:

• Don’t use bounce flash outdoors (although now that I think of it, that’s pretty retarded to do anyway unless there’s a roof over your head >_>)
• Get a filter for that wide-angle lens.
• Point the flash closer to subjects when using a wide-angle lens.
• That 50mm f/1.8 lens is so nice. LOL
• ISO 400 is good. I don’t think I’ll be shooting anything that requires anything over ISO 800. But we will see.

I haven’t had the chance to use the 80-200mm f/4.0 lens I have. Iono what I would use it for besides taking pictures of sleeping animals LOL. JK, once this shitty weather clears up, I’m going to play with it.

I have this picture I took of BBQ chicken that I really like LOLOLOL. SOOS. Oh, and there’s also a few group pictures that I took that are just TOOOOOOO adorable (Especially the ones with Bryan, Mikey V., and Nerissa and the ones with Syd, Megan, and Jenn. The one kuya Myron, kuya Dereck, and Ejay were in though, LOL it just looks like a typical SOOS picture.)

Well one thing I did this break was finally having the time to get into reading my dad’s old books on this old camera. Which has led me to type up this mini-ramble of film hahahaha. Hopefully with more practice I will improve into a much better photographer :) Okay enough of talking about my silly new hobby. LOLOLOL

I guess you could say I’m a little stressed:

It’s been maybe 3-4 weeks since my mom lost her job. It’s not her fault her patient died. If anything, my mom helped her patient live longer. Some people don’t understand that and so they decide to go and fucking sue the facility my mom worked at and their only choice was to let my mom go.

Now with midterms coming up, I can’t concentrate very well because my mom’s income was 2/3 of what my parents make combined. With that said, it’s unsure if we’ll be able to keep our house. So for the past couple of weeks I’ve been trying to look for a job to help. My mom also mentioned that my dad might leave us and move back to the Philippines. 

Haha, I feel like crying. 

Okay that’s the end of my little emotional trip.